Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
