Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
