Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize