you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
