the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
