Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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