Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
