I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
