I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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