Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
