If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
