I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Randomize
