That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
