Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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