I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
