Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
