"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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