I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
