Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
