I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
