U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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