You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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