talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize