i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You are the jesus of drinking
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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