when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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