Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
