I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
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