god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
