Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize