like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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