How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We named our party play list daddy issues
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
