Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
