if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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