does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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