So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
