I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
