I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
