Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
