paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize