So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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