He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
