Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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