Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
