I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
