I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize