so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
