I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
