Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
