Are we in a gay sports bar?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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