I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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