Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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