I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
