You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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