I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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