When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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