She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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