All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
