i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
